Sibling love and bitterness.

Picture it, Sicily 1985. Or Oakfield 2013, 5:30am. The latter seems more like it! I woke up, turned some music on, and the first two songs that came on were terribly bittersweet.

The first was Bohemian Rhapsody which is the best song to be goofy to. My sister Theresa, my brother Mike, and I, walked into my moms living room and belted out that song as an impromptu gift to our mother. She's loved it ever since, as a matter of fact my whole family has essentially adopted that song as a sort of family theme song.

Second song was Open Arms by Journey. This is a song that I dedicate to my big sister Theresa. It's a song that makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Theresa and I used to lock our little bro Mike in the car and sing this song to him, large gestures included. We tortured that boy with that song, multiple consecutive times!

The reason for the bittersweet feelings for these songs is it reminds me of the best and worst days of mine and my family's lives. Its been TEN years that Mike has left the world. He left us wondering and questioning a lot. It wasn't till this moment that I type this that I realized what happened as I too have experienced the harshness that is suicide. He was caught up in a moment. Not that life was bad everyday all day, but a single moment, a single thought. Irrational moment of thought which begins a train of irrational thinking with a big ass PANIC button that's easy to push and escape with.

As I look over the last two years of my life I realize how selfish it is to commit suicide or even attempt it. Yes, there is a little bit of me that is pissed off at Mike for taking his life. It was not fair to his parents, his friends and certainly not to his siblings.

I may not get along with my siblings every minute of every day, but I certainly wouldn't intentionally hurt them, and if I have, this is my public apology to them for doing so. I am sorry for any wrong I may have done to you all. Damion, Theresa, Mikey, Kaity, Kris, I love you all. And I love the hell out of the demons that have come from yall's loins! LOL.

I am looking forward to seeing my sisters and brothers this weekend while we gather together not to mourn, but to celebrate the life Mike lived in the 19 years while he was here. Love ya kiddo.

Time is a physician that heals every grief. ~ Diphilus

The Boyd Boys NFL Picks 2012

Elijah
1) Packers
2) Cowboys
3) Jaguars

Peyton
1) Cowboys
2) Packers
3) Giants

That "had" to be settled before bed, any excuse to stay up longer heeeheee!

Can I strangle you now?

On Friday the boys run through the door. One stops dead in his tracks, while the other one is bombarding me with notions of looking in his book-bag because he had a surprise inside for me. Now any mom would have a slight hesitation when hearing a boy say he has a surprise. Come on folks, I have had surprise rocks, frogs, lizards, bones, and other randomly odd boy things, so there was a slight hesitation to seeing what was inside of the bag. I open the bag apprehensively, to find a piece of paper. Elijah had a student of the week certificate that he was excited to share with me. So I congratulated him, and hung it up on the cork board above his bed.

I started going through the rest of the papers in his bag, when I realized Peyton walks into the room, SLOWLY and had this very sad look on his face. It wasn't your normal sad look, it was the "I did something bad, and I know your going to fuss at me" look. Someone please explain to me how I have one child who is getting rewarded at school for being a model student, while the other one ends up in the principals office for hitting on the bus. Ok, go, explain.




On a totally different note, I wanted to share something that normally would have frustrated me, but because I laughed so hard, it set the tone for the rest of the day. I was about to head out to apply for a job, so I needed a little bit of good luck on my side, since the job hunt has not been going as well as expected. So the day went like this, started with this convo at about 8am.

"James, I need some luck"
"Macrina, I don't have a leprechaun in my pocket!"
"Damn!"

An hour later, I ran out of gas! Then when I was rescued and got back to the truck I realized there was a locked gas cap on the truck. Thankfully the Puerto-Rican McGyver was there to rescue me, and managed to pop the lock on the gascap. Note to self, you can not get from Oakfield to Dawson Rd on a hope, prayer or fumes!
I did end up doing well during the application process, testing and short interview. I have to go back on Wed for a full interview. I will gas up on the way this time, scouts honor! :)

Ozzy

I want to get back into the habit of reading. I am currently reading. I Am Ozzy. So far so good, its very funny and very engaging. Hoping to finish it this weekend. Supposed to go camping, so if I find time I will squeeze in some reading amongst the bears and alligators!

Single at 30, So??

Over the last little bit of time I have had a few friends and family members comment on my dating life, or lack there of as noticed by others. I have been told that I will not be alone forever and that there is someone out there for me. I indeed know these two things to be the truth, the thing is though.....I am making little or no attempt to date or meet anyone. Not that I can't, I just don't. If someone were to ask me out I am sure I would oblige, it is just that I am not going to seek anyone out. Hey, if I find the man of my dreams accidentally and unexpectedly, then so be it, at the moment though I am perfectly happy not being in a relationship or married. I am perfectly content being 30 and single!

My life has been rather hectic for the last year and I have since decided that I need to focus on myself and my little people boys. However in this decision I have come to a large conclusion, what the hell kind of decision am I making, not having a man in my boys lives? Elijah is now eight, and Peyton is now six. Elijah is becoming (slowly) more of an outdoorsy kid and needs to learn more boyish things, things that I as a mom don't seem to get him to grasp. And then there is Peyton; he has been going through something in the last few months that is not cool with me and I am not sure how to handle it. He has turned from tough kid with thick skin to an emotionally, tearful youngster. I wonder if I am doing them an injustice by not having a man in their lives, in our lives, to help guide them into nice young men. I can say however they do have a lot of positive role models in their lives, who I am eternally grateful to.

Again, back to the hectic part of the last year. I (we) have been through a lot, from losing everything to slowly gaining everything back. I never want to go through any of this again, so I have decided to go back to school late next year to become a RN. It is something I should have done way back, but put it off for so many reasons. I made a list of a few things I want to accomplish by age thirty-five and that is second on my list, next to running a marathon. Which reminds me, I have started walking and jogging. I was up to doing it every day for the first month, but I fell off track and getting back on is harder than expected. I am now up to about three times a week versus seven. I am getting back into yoga too, need to be flexible for when I decide to put a man back in my life, right?!

One more thing before I stop typing............The boys have gotten out of Dougherty County Schools, halleluiah. They are now in Worth County, and they are loving it sooooo much better. I couldn't be happier about that! Here is a pic of the (nervous) boys on the first day of school. Peyton is a first grader and Elijah is a second grader!!

I guess all I need now is a octopus and owl baby, wearing a mustache!

A few tidbits:

The boys and I were watching: TruTv World's Dumbest: Drivers. 

Elijah so nicely tells me "Mommy, you need to be on this show!" Sad but true! Everyone knows my lack of love (and skill) for driving.

Three things I realized I have become obsessed with in 2011.

• Owls, they always creeped me out, but that seemed to have changed this year. Not too sure what happened.
• Mustaches, that started as an inside joke with my brother and his friend. And it became an obsession. I have a pack of fake ones that I bought at the dollar store, and someone gave me a I love mustache's sticker!!
• And octopuses, they are super cute!!

I guess all I need now is a octopus and owl baby, wearing a mustache!

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

Today was enlightening to say the very least. I learned a lot about what my ex-husband's family and friends think of me. And the kind's of trash talking they are doing, polluting his mind with rude comments and thoughts of me.


First and foremost, I am out to hurt him and can not be happy for him, and want him back. Yeah ummm I dont think so! What reason do I have to hurt him? I mean really, I care for the man, but dont really care enough to intentionally hurt him. And second, if I wanted him back, I would have gone back. Since June things have been super rough financially, and if I was a vindictive, man using bitch, I would have moved back in with him in a heartbeat, just so I dont have to deal with all these bills and other stressful things. But I didn't, for so many reasons. Number one reason? I dont want to. I dont like him enough to live with him! I know it sounds mean, but why lie?
Second part of that, the I cant be happy for him. Oh, I certainly can, and I certainly am. David knew even while we were married, and during the divorce, and afterwards that I am NOT the one for him. I have always wished him well, and knew there was someone out there for him. I do not know if his new girl friend is the one for him, but I am happy that he has found someone to spend some time with, I am truly happy. Maybe she is not for him, and the one for him is still out there. I dont know. But either way, I want him to be happy, and since I know what he lacks, I would be more than happy to help him do better by a woman. Maybe third time is a charm!
I don't get the hurt him thing though. I wish nothing but the best for him honestly. I want him to step up, pay his child support, spend the time he is supposed to with ALL of his kids, and be the loving dad that all of the kids need. A man that the kids KNOW love him, and not just because he says it.


Second part of the newly found revelations of how his family and friends are anti-Macrina. I am using him. Yeah, that's a new one on me! I would like someone to please explain how I am using him. He's helped my out financially, but no more than the amount of how much child support would be. (Which is a whole other debacle on its own that I do not wish to discuss in a public way) So if me getting him to pay some of my bills while he doesn't give me my child support, then fuck yes I am using him. I do not ask the man for anything, nor do I want anything. Hell he has nothing. As a matter of fact, he was the one that told me that if I started dating anyone, he wasn't going to help me anymore. Ummm manipulate much?
The funny thing is, these people are so kind to my face, and so holy! The word of the Lord is what sees them through their days. Yet they talk about people behind their backs. These hypocritical Christians can kiss my oh so very pale white ass!

My singlehood has no barring on David. I choose to be single because I am not capable of dealing with anyone else right now. I am focusing on myself and my boys. I have so much going on in my life right now that a man is the last thing on my mind. I have been over David way before I left him or divorced him. I have no intentions of even considering anything with him....ever!

That is enough of my ranting for this evening. There has been a lot more I wanted to say, but I forgot them. Oh well. Till next time, Peace, Love and Chicken Grease!

P.S. Someone asked me to write something for them. And since I try my best to think out of the box, and to entertain the teachers, I shall write about something they wouldn't expect. Here is the assignment:
 
Find an object from your everyday life that demonstrates how the past is linked to the present. Anything goes as long as you can also show its connection to the study of humanities. One example: the calendar we use now is attributed to Julius Caesar of the Roman Empire. You could offer a little history of calendars and state why Caesar’s was adopted and is still in use. Find your own. Examples are everywhere.

Can you guess what I am going to use? Probably would never guess, so I might as well tell you! Condoms.